Monday, April 16, 2012

Make Parenting Easier With This


Have you ever been lectured by one
or both of your parents ever in your life?

After the lecture did you ever say to yourself,
"Wow mom/dad is so right, what was I thinking,
I better go and... (clean my room, do my homework....)
right away."

I am guessing that most of you reading this did
not have the above thought just after having
been lectured.

So why on earth do we think that it will work with
our kids? Do we really believe that our lectures
will miraculously alter our child's behavior pattern?

Deep down, I believe that we know it will not.
We lecture because we are frustrated, overwhelmed,
tired or feeling a disconnect with our desire to
have a mutually respectful relationship with our
kids. Essentially, we are venting and hoping that
this venting will dissolve a behavior that we do
not want to experience.

Lecturing does not work because it is not open
communication and it makes people shut down
and tune you out. You CANNOT motivate
someone to WANT to do something, you can
only lead, inspire and model.

By learning how to respond instead of react, you
can learn how to ask questions from a response standpoint.
This is the language of open communication.

Jumping in and trying to offer immediate unsolicited
advice is not open and it can lead to your child
feeling exasperated because he feels that you are not
listening.

Research has shown that teenagers want their parents
to listen to them from their perspective. Just listen -
with presence, and remain in that state of true listening.
This means that you refrain from constructing a response
before the speaker has finished speaking.

Think back to when you were a teenager. Really get
present to remembering how that felt. Imagine what it
would have felt like if your parents really listened to
you from your point of view and that they really
understood you. Now imagine how that would
have made you feel - even if they didn't have an
immediate solution for you.

Here are 2 ideas that might be interesting
to try out:

1) When your teenager is in a receptive mood,
ask her this, "If you could write a column in a
magazine that parents would be reading,
what advice would you give them?"

2) Make a list with your teen and co-create rules.
On the left side of the list are your agreements
(both parent and child agree to ...) on the right side
are a list of expectations (from both parent and child)
When you both agree to the list of agreements and
expectations, both of you can sign it.

The agreements and expectations are not one sided,
they are created for and by both parent and child.
When an individual feels ownership of what he is
creating, he will be more likely to stick to his agreements.

As you play with alternatives to lecturing, you will
soon notice that your relationship with your child
starts to reflect the newfound respect that they feel
for you. The connections you are forging will
serve you as you inspire your child to go forward
in life with values and attitudes that support his success.

With love and light
Melinda Asztalos

Monday, April 2, 2012

How to help kids be responsible


Children are naturally egocentric so it stands to reason why they don't see the value
in expressing compassion to another when their budding personalities have caused
another to feel hurt.

It is hard for kids to say "I'm sorry" and feel what that means, WITHOUT making
themselves feel like they are "bad".

That is the challenge here. We want our kids to take responsibility but we don't
want to make them feel like losers because they made a mistake or could not handle
their frustration in the heat of the moment.

Forcing them to say "I'm sorry" will get the words out but it will do very little
to teach true empathy. So here are some positive solutions for everyday life.

STEP ONE
Find out what is driving the problem that the child seems to be having,
(i.e., trouble sharing , being mean to sibling, etc.) Determine what your
child seems to be needing in the moment and doesn't  have the skill to get
appropriately. What emotional need is behind the behavior driving your
child to behave in this way?

STEP TWO
Address your child's concern and help her see how her behavior impacts
the people in her world:

EXAMPLE
Parent:  "I can see that you were arguing with your brother about that toy,
and he walked away crying, what's going on?"

Child: "He won't share anything, ever."

Parent: "So you are saying that Tommy won't share anything, ever with you,
did I get that right?"

Child: Yes

Parent: " I can see how upsetting that can be for you, it's no fun to not get
to play with toys you want to play with is it?"
( avoid the urge to tell her/him what to do at this point just see from your child's perspective)

Child: Nods in agreement

Parent: When you were angry and yelled at Tommy,
how do you think that made him feel?

Child: Sad, I guess

Parent: Yes, I get that too. I was wondering, do you have any idea how both of
you can make a plan that works so you both get to share all the toys ?

As you work with your child to find creative ways to solve the problem, notice
your child's energy shift as you focus on the positive aspects of the new plan.
If another sibling was involved invite him or her to join in on the problem solving.
Once you've all agreed to a plan that is realistic and works for all members then
you can address the responsibility part.

Parent: Now that we have a great plan, how could you have done things differently
this morning so that Tommy would not have felt hurt?

Child: I could have.......

Parent: Yes I think that would work really well. What do you think you can do now
that would make both of you feel better about what happened? Your words and
your actions are so powerful. How can you be powerful and show Tommy
that you care?

By first addressing what drove the upset  you are validating how your child is
feeling, NOT agreeing with the behavior, just showing that you "get it".

Then, as you problem solve, your focus shifts to what CAN be done -
it shifts to what you both want instead of feeding the energy of the reaction itself.

When you get some solutions that are realistic and do-able, then you re-direct
to taking responsibility. Your child is now much calmer and feels like he has been
heard - this makes it alot easier for him or her to listen to you.

You are helping your child see how powerful he is in the world with his thoughts,
words and actions. As this becomes a habit in your family, your child will naturally
gravitate towards this way of being and thinking. You also help him to "clean up"
by focussing on how he can make amends in a way that does not shame, blame
or attack his self esteem.

Through a space of love you teach empathy and how to problem solve using the
heart and the mind together. This process does not take alot of time when you
get used to it and imagine how much time you will save in the long run when
your child gets the hang of it!

With love and light,
Melinda