Friday, December 23, 2011

Why Your Kids Need You To Be OK

Keeping your cool in a situation is tough even for the most patient.
There are some days when you are just not sure that you can keep
it together and stay out of that typical knee jerk response.

Here is a little eye opener to keep you focused on your child's perspective.
Our kids need us to stay calm so that their world feels stable. To us, a
simple incident is no big deal and we may be able to recover quickly,
however, to a child who has only been on the planet for a few years,
his/her brain cannot process information the same way that you can.

Kids scope out their environment by sensing the energy that is within it;
especially the energy that comes from people that they are strongly
connected to. If they sense that you are in a state of overwhelm, they
tend to "act out" or "misbehave", Why? because they do not have a
better coping strategy as of yet.

Sometimes they just don't know what else to do with the intensity of
the energy that they feel and they respond automatically with fear and
that fear has many faces:

Anger, defiance and /or a complete inability to regulate the strong
emotions that they are trying to process.

When you are calm and when you have taken the necessary time to
recharge your own batteries, you are much better equipped to handle
their big emotions. This does not mean that you need to dive in and
try to find a solution for them to self soothe. If you want to de-escalate
a volatile situation here are some basic steps:

1) Stop what you are doing and thinking and breathe. Make
a very conscious effort to just notice what is going on inside
your body and how intense your feelings are.

2) In a calm manner, validate what your child is going through -
this does not mean that you condone behavior this means
that you are taking this moment NOW to tell your child,
"I HEAR YOU and I can see from your eyes".

An example of this would be, " I can hear from your voice
that you are feeling very angry right now about this. I get that
you really wanted to…….I know that this is frustrating for you."
Listen very carefully to your tone - are you sounding
anxious, nervous, furious - take it to neutral.

3) Tell your child that you will be there to help him/her
through his/her feelings. An example of this would be:
" I love you so much and I am going to stay right
here with you and these big feelings." Please note
that this is not followed by a solution - you are not
giving unsolicited advice - you are being an anchor -
a solid rock for your child so that s/he can see there
is someone close-by that s/he can trust who knows
what to do now and who is present.

4) Stay present with your child, you do not need to
look for something to say or something to do. Feel what
your inner guidance is prompting you to do in the moment.
How do you know it is your heart leading the way and
not your head? Focus your attention directly on your
heart - even place your hand there to help you focus
and breathe. You child might ask questions or just
want to vent - be vigilant, don't rush in to answer.
You might feel that is would be best to remain
quiet and just listen.

5) Be prepared for your child to unleash a big
emotion WITHOUT TAKING IT PERSONALLY.
You told your child that you will be there, and
so you must stay and show that you are not
going to fix him/her, you are going to be present
and feel what is required in the moment of this
sacred connection. Just LISTEN and FEEL.

6) If your child says something like,
"You NEVER…… its not fair I can't ever……"
don't get into a power struggle by defending
YOUR position, hold steady and continue to validate,
remember this does not mean that you are agreeing
with or condoning inappropriate behavior, you are
simply acknowledging that you can see through
your child's eyes.

What separates you from your child is the knowing
that you have the capacity to not only see through
his eyes, you probably know what your child should
have done but you do not throw that at your child.
You have the capacity and the wisdom to ask your
child the right questions so that he can come to the
same wise conclusions.

In this way you are not just acting calm you are
BEING a calm leader who responds to your child
like the wise adult that you are. All that you need
to know in the moment will come to you when
you practice connecting to your inner wisdom.

Contact Melinda at:
http://lifepositivebydesign.com/contact.html
with your questions on calm leadership and I
would be happy to post them in the monthly
newsletter with a response.

Blessings,
Melinda

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Advocating from a place of love

I recently had a phone coaching session with “Cynthia” who proved
that being a successful advocate for your child does not have to involve
frustration, fear and anger.

Cynthia's son was having alot of problems with his grade 3 teacher;
they just did not seem to understand each other. "Tom" began acting
out in class and refused to focus on tasks. As a result she felt that
punishing him by separating him from the other students would
solve the "problem".

Cynthia also began to look at Tom's behavior as a problem and her
feelings of frustration were pushing her to demand that Tom listen
to his teacher.

Through our coaching conversations, Cynthia began to recognize
Tom's learning style and with a few techniques, she opened the
door to Tom's world and gained powerful insight to the root
of his behavior. Cynthia could have challenged the teacher
and taken the route of "mother bear", instead she opted to
go the conscious parenting route with amazing results.

By engaging the teacher with questions and with her intention
set at working together with the school to help Tom find his
"place" Cynthia navigated her way to success. With
perseverance and a heart centred approach that demonstrated
to everyone involved that she was committed to helping
her son and that she was inviting the school to support her
efforts - she was able to work with the teacher and principle
in a co-creative effort that supported Tom's learning style.

This led to Tom's behavior transformation from
"troublesome" to trouble free.

Tom was being "heard" and appreciated. His mother made the
effort and connected with her inner guidance to lead the school
and her son to a place of balance that worked for the school
and supported her son.

Being a successful advocate requires that you trust your instincts,
listen deeply to the messages your child is giving you, verbal
and non verbal, ask questions that create connections and be
willing to work with the school in a co-creative effort.
When the principle and teacher involved felt Cynthia's confidence,
clarity and willingness to work towards a solution, the path that
lead to exactly what Tom needed began to unfold.

Cynthia, who made the choice to be a conscious parent,
began to see the opportunities not the obstacles and allowed
her inner wisdom to lead the way. It always amazes me that with
the right intention, with unwavering focus and with love, out of
nothing and no way, we can find a way.

With love and light
Melinda Asztalos

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Unlocking Unconscious Patterns

Have you ever caught yourself saying something
to your child and remarking to yourself,
"That sounded exactly like my mom (my dad)".
Sometimes this is followed by a chuckle
because we are reflecting the comfort and
nurturing that we have experienced from
the way that we were parented, other
times we are mortified because we've
repeated a way of being that we swore
as young adults, we would never adopt.

Right or wrong, good or bad is a lot
less important than becoming aware
of unconscious patterns. The more
aware we become the easier it gets
to make choices in the moment
that reflect who we want to be.

When we parent unconsciously, we are
parenting in "reactive" mode. When "hot"
buttons are pushed that cause parents
to either react intensely or to withdraw
completely, there is an indication here
that there is a potential for growth
present. Your child has just helped you
to identify a pattern or an issue that
brings forward something that is important
or painful or both.

I remember telling my daughter one Friday
evening as we were grocery shopping that I would
be going to a seminar on the following Saturday
and that her favorite babysitter would be with
her for most of the afternoon. My daughter paused,
then looked at me with tears in her eyes and in the
most heartbreaking little voice she told me that
she was feeling very sad because she missed me and
she just wanted to be with mommy - then she began
to cry softly. I got down on my hands and knees in
the parking lot and looked her in the eye and
I could feel my entire being become overwhelmed
with pity and empathy and I felt a deeply distraught
feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I pulled myself together in that moment and made
a conscious choice to be fully present in the moment.
I recognized, painfully, in that very moment,
I was on the verge of projecting one of my childhood
experiences onto my daughter, seeing her
as myself feeling alone, scared and vulnerable.
I decided to pull back on the emotional onslaught
and simply to relate to this child in front of me,
dealing with this situation, in this moment.

I proceeded to mirror what she was expressing so
that she would know that I was listening, I then
validated her feelings and we proceeded to find
a way to climb up the emotional ladder together
by recognizing that we were together in the moment
and that we would not waste this moment with
unhappy thoughts of the "projected" future.

Gradually, my daughter eased out of her sadness
and fear and we had a really great evening, not
to mention she had a fabulous time with the
babysitter the next day.

Our feelings are our most sophisticated guidance
sensors. If we can stop in the moment and pay
attention to our feelings, we can become aware
of what we are creating in any given moment.
Being in alignment with the positive things
that we wish to have or achieve means that we
need to generate positive feelings that allow
the receiving of that which we would
like to manifest. Creating habitual patterns
within your family dynamic that resonate with
peace, joy, love or exhiliration, places you
and your family in alignment with your natural
state of being.

Practicing conscious behavior and recognizing
patterns that present a golden opportunity for
growth, will naturally bring about a gradual
state of expanding consciousness. The more that
your consciousness expands and the more you
practice becoming aligned with the harmony,
peace,love, joy, etc. that you desire, the
faster you will understand the power that
you have, that is deliberate and joyous creation
as opposed to creating randomly by default.

Whether we believe it or not, accept it or not,
like it or not, we are the creators of our
experience. We are the creators of that which
we call our life situations. What is it that
we are focusing our attention on? That which
we desire or the lack of it?
What are our dominant thoughts?

When our buttons are being pushed, what is
the drama that takes place inside of us?
Who are we relating to? Are we in the moment
or is there something in the background
that we are trying so hard to defend or justify?

Our beautiful, precious children have
"something on us" that other people in our
lives do not. The ability to push our buttons
like no one else. We can choose to see this
as a tremendous opportunity for growth and
healing. The next time you hear yourself
saying something your mom (or dad) would
say that does not please you, smile to
yourself with love and forgiveness and
embrace the opportunity in front of you.

In love and light,
Melinda Asztalos

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Children and Affirmations

Affirmations are powerful, positive statements
about who we are and what we would like to
create for ourselves. They help us focus
on what we want. The most effective
affirmations evoke positive emotions
within us. The key is to create affirmations
that are believable and that feel good to you.
 
Using positive affirmations can assist
your child when s/he gets caught in a
negative state of mind. Teaching your
child to raise her vibrational level
and move past a negative emotion in
a constructive way by focusing on
a positive thought will greatly add
to her ability to detach herself from
creating and perpetuating negative patterns.
 
The faster that this becomes a habit,
the faster your child will be able to
master control over what she chooses
to create with her thoughts.
 
Re-inforcing positive thoughts and beliefs
gives children the self confidence
which will help them to attract joyful
and beneficial experiences.
 
When teaching your child to create
affirmations, keep it simple and clear
and make sure it is an affirmation that
they are comfortable with. Let the source
of the affirmation come from them. Also
keep in mind that the affirmation should
be stated "as if" it is already so.
 
For example: " I am a good listener."
Not "I will be a good listener."
"I will," suggests something that will
happen in the future and in the future is
where it will stay! You want to create
in the now.
 
Lead by example. Allow your child to hear
you using your own affirmations on a daily
basis. It has been proven that children
learn and model their behavior by watching
the behavior of their primary caregiver.
In other words, 95% of the time they will
do as you do and 5% of the time they will
do as you say! It is worth it to become
very mindful of that.
 
Here are sample affirmations
to give you a few ideas:
 
I make friends easily
I am lovable
I am a good listener
I am calm
I feel happy
I am free and wonderful
I can choose how I feel
I am grateful
I can make my dreams come true
I am perfect exactly as I am
I am loved
I am safe
I am patient
I can create a great day for myself
I am good enough
I can think things through
I learn new things easily
I am creative
I am joyful
I get along well with others
I am easy going
 
If your child is having a particular
problem, help him to formulate an
affirmation that will empower him
and that will help him focus on the
solution and the outcome that is
in his best interest.
 
Working with affirmations together
with your child is a powerful and
uplifting exercise. Try it today
and watch the magic begin to unfold!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Making gratitude a part of your family

Living a life that resonates with gratitude
is challenging for most adults. Now how about
we throw in teaching gratitude effectively
to our children on a daily basis? Impossible?

As you may have guessed already "impossible
is nothing, imagination is everything!"
 
The first step in this process is to emulate
gratitude yourself, first and foremost.
Our behavior shapes the attitudes and habits
of our children and it is critical that
they witness parents practicing ways of
being that resonate with gratitude.

I have found that keeping it light and fun
is one of the best ways to teach children
core beliefs that are infused with abundant
positivity.
 
When my daughter is in a receptive mood
(not when she is absorbed with drawing,
homework or any other activity), I ask
her to tell me one thing that she is
grateful for today. I then have
my turn and give her an example of
something that I am grateful for today.

There is no wrong answer. Whatever
your child feels thankful for in that
moment (his stuffed animal, the cookies
he had for desert, his favorite cartoon,
etc.) is perfect, as he is beginning to
understand the idea of being happy with
something he has experienced or received.

Practice this on a daily basis and you
will see that your child will start
asking you what you are grateful for.
 
It is important not to be preachy about
this - preaching falls on deaf ears.
The key is to make it fun and interesting
and to get your child to think about gratitude.
This process will take years to develop into
a deep seated way of being, but by beginning
early on, you are planting the seeds that
will develop into powerful positive practices
that will help your child to attract positive
energy into her life.
 
Gratitude is one of the most important
components of attracting positive energy
into your life. It clears away the cobwebs
that complaining leaves behind and opens
up a space for creating extraordinary
possibility and change.
 
Children are very receptive and open to
gratitude when they feel it coming from
their parents in a genuine manner.
If you happen to be going for a walk
in the park one day with your child,
for example, take your time to really
notice all that is going on around you
in the moment and feel gratitude for

a simple, beautiful day.
Any time you can bring yourself fully
into the moment and appreciate the joy
in what you are doing, simply express
it with gratitude in front of your child.
 
Your child is watching and learning.
Teach her that there are not only endless
things butwonderful feelings to be
grateful for.
 
Practice saying things like,
"I feel so lucky that...",
"I am so happy and grateful for...",
"It is so wonderful that we can..."

You will begin to notice your child
mimicking your behavior. Don't become
frustrated if this doesn't happen overnight.
be patient and know that the message is
getting across. Allow your child the
space to process gratitude without
pushing or controlling.
 
To inspire a belief system is infinitely
more effective then demanding one into being.
Respect your child's scope of understanding
and his unique way of learning as he creates
his own masterpiece.
 
With love and light,
Melinda Asztalos

Friday, April 1, 2011

Become The Believing Eyes For Your Children

Encouraging your children to succeed
and to go forward in life with confidence
is beautiful. I would like to invite you
to take that encouragement to the next
level.
 
By becoming the believing eyes for your
children, they begin to see a reflection
of what they can accomplish through
your belief in them. At a deeper level,
they realize that your belief in them
speaks to who they are becoming as
evolving human beings.
 
"I believe in you", is a powerful statement.
It acknowledges that you are speaking
to the inner core of your child.
 
"I believe in you", is deeper than,
I believe you can do this or that.
It is a statement that focuses not on
what a child is doing at the moment
but who he is being.
 
I once heard someone say, "We are
human beings not human doings!"
My reaction to that was..."How
perfectly true."
 
Let your children know that you are
there for them, in the front row, cheering
them on with the power of your believing.
 
Say it loud, say it often, "I believe in you,
I believe in me and I believe in us."

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Exercise and your child's brain

Exercise plays a vital role in the healthy
development of your child's brain.

Physical activity stimulates brain growth in much
the same way that it causes muscles to develop.
Through physical exercise, nerve cells are activated
in the brain which stimulates the creation of new
neurological pathways. The brain grows as these
pathways are developed. The greater the pathways,
the greater the brain's capacity to hold, understand
and process information.

As well as strengthening the growing body, physical
activity builds the motor control centers in the brain
contributing to the healthy maturation of muscle
coordination and the sensory-motor system.

When we understand just a little about how important
it is to nurture and expand the cerebral cortex, the part
of the brain that is responsible for higher thinking,
self-regulation and creative thinking to name a few
functions, we recognize how important it is to incorporate
physical activity into our family culture.

We are all aware of the negative effects of stress on
adults - stress affects children in a negative way as well.
Children encounter a multitude of stresses ranging from
peer pressure to keeping up with homework and high grades,
to simple stresses they feel as they socialize.

Remember when your five year old hears,
"I don't want to be your friend", in the heat of the moment,
this becomes a very big deal in her mind. Why? because
she believes that someone she has bonded with will be
gone from her forever. She does not have the capacity
to understand that this is a temporary reaction.
This causes stress.

Exercise has a tremendous ability to disengage stored
emotions and stress that are being held by the body.
Eventually, the mind relaxes to a place of ease with the
release of endorphins through physical exercise.
The body will always follow the mind. When the mind is
calm, the body relaxes. When the body relaxes clear
thinking is much easier.

As exercise contributes to the healthy maturation of
the cerebral cortex, it also contributes to your child's
ability to remain calm and focused when challenged
because she is training her higher brain function to
be in charge of her lower brain functions which are
responsible for the fight/flight reactions. When your
child hears, "I don't want to be your friend," this doesn't
need to escalate into a meltdown as your child learns
to respond (higher brain function) rather than react
(Lower brain, fight/flight ).

A child that spends more time being active and less
time in passive states, such as watching TV or playing
video games has a better chance of developing more
neural pathways and increasing the capacity of her
higher brain function. A child that is ruled by lower
brain functions is quick to react or over react, has
minimal capacity to self soothe, is more aggressive,
has difficulty concentrating and her problem solving
skills are lacking.

When we keep our kids moving, exploring and energized
in a balanced way, we are helping them on so many levels.
When we take that extra step and participate in physical
activities with them, everyone wins.

With love and light,
Melinda

Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Practice of Trusting Your Child

Trusting your child means giving him the space to "be".
To practice trusting your child is a difficult exercise
at times because, as parents, we are conditioned to be
on the lookout for what can go wrong.

This way of thinking is fear based. The challenge this
month is to transform fear based thoughts and feelings
into love based thoughts and feelings.

This does not mean that we behave irresponsibly as we
guide our children. It means that we explore where our
thoughts are pre-dominantly rooted in fear.

See if you can practice trusting that your child knows
his limits. You may be surprised at how connected your
child actually is to his intuition.

Instead of saying, "Be careful, you WILL fall or get
hurt", you can try, "Take care of yourself and be aware
of what is around you."

Be present to your inner guidance which will signal you
if there is in fact, real potential danger that needs
to be addressed.

Instead of bringing your child's attention to the "bad"
things that may happen, focus on guiding him to be aware
of what is going on around him.

Show your child what it looks like to be fully awake, so
to speak, so that he can pay attention to the details of
his surroundings.

For example: When I rollerblade with my daughter, I bring
her awareness to what is not only in front of her but
all around her.

I say things like, "Listen to the sounds all around you,
feel the road underfoot." As she is easily distracted
by thoughts that take her attention away from the moment,
I gently bring her attention to what is happening all
around her right now. With this practice, as we play
and have fun, she is learning to be fully awake in the
present moment.

This also leaves little room for complaining or worrying,
since her full attention is given to what is happening
right now.

With older children, informing them of certain risks
and dangers is not the same as inundating them with
endless stories of what can go wrong.

Express your concerns in an authentic way and share
with them how you have used your inner guidance to
direct you in your life.

Encourage them to trust their instincts and empower
them with the confidence to say, "no" when required.
Teach them the difference between, "no" that is filled
with fear and "no" that is an expression
of calm assertiveness.

To respect yourself is to honor your inner guidance.

Give your child the freedom to learn from mistakes
and the guidance to know when to walk away from
real danger.

Real trust is something many of us felt fully as
children. As we grow up and grow into a fear based
world, we turn away from trust.

As a conscious parent, reconnect to the trust within
you, it is there. The innate wisdom within you will
always lead you in the right direction. You cannot
access this wisdom through fear.

Your practice it to also trust that at the core,
beyond the superficial beliefs that you have about
yourself, you are unique, you are special and, best
of all, you are a divinely inspired creative human being.

With love and light
Melinda